Chapter 1 - The Muffet Diaries

It was a perfect summer’s day in the year of the Salamander* . The tepid sun with its sepia tints seemed a complete respite to the inhabitants of Never Land. More so, as the previous summer sun, (in the year of the Dodo) rendered a chequered burn-out, tanning the said inhabitants in zebra stripes. The druids and the witches of Never Land weren’t complaining at all that year. Now who would complain of booming business?

Never Land is a blob in the Universe. It is a land that was never, but is, nevertheless. A land that is fuelled by sunlight and imagination. Imagination, more than sunlight, rendering its inhabitants attributes that may come across as mind-bending to other galactic beings. Never Land’s official demographic publications, called Grehems’s Fairie Tails, and Faybles, profile most of its spectacular denizens. Never Land’s most famous tourist sites include Hamlin, Forest/Woods, and Palace etc. Visitors swear that you can never get enough of this place. So many people, so many lives… and its all in your head! That’s the real beauty of Never Land.

Most of the action in this tale is located in the Unheard University** of Never Land, the Mecca of Never wisdom and the on top of the Poison Ivy League. In fact, the Unheard University is so famous that you don’t have to hear about it.

It was a perfect summer’s day in the Unheard University. The sepia sun tints seemed to render the university Bistro a radiant retro look. Peasant women and pixies, dressed in flouncy frocks that seemed to be seamed from curtains, bustled back and forth tending to the patrons perched on their perfect wooden benches. There was something about this year of the Salamander. Perfection seemed to be whistling in the air.

So thought Pied, the Piper boy from Hamlin, who incidentally came a long way from there. They say everybody has a talent. Pied had found his in kids and rats. The former he thought livelier than the latter***. But you can’t make a living out of kids, can you. It’s usually against the law. Kids were usually meant only to be snoopy and get into trouble with Witches and Wolves. So if Pied had to make a living without running the gauntlet with the law, he had to rely on rats. And rats could be relied upon. They even survived sinking ships. And the Unheard University let him combine his MBA in entrepreneurship with a PHD in Rattus Norvegicus.

What a perfect summer’s day, thought Pied. Would have been more perfect if he could’ve hooked up with that fascinating blonde broad sitting across in that wooden bench. Tsk Tsk! If only she weren’t being so distraught and deeply preponderous of her constant smoke rings****, she’d probably have noticed him. She will, in time. Every body did. And thinking wasn’t quite the blonde thing now, was it? What a pity on a p-e-r-f-e-c-t d-a-y…

Rats! Thought Muffet. Was her life fugged++, was this bistro fugged, or was it just her? She sighed a resigned sigh and took another long drag at her consumed cigarette, slowly releasing the curls with a silent vengeance. She stared hard at the letter on the table. It was a crisp cold letter with a non-descript letterhead, suggestive of the Unheard University, with the shaky Dean’s scratchy signature at the end of it. It said:

“Dear Ms. Little Bigger Miss Muffet,

We regret to inform you that for internal reasons of ethical importance, this University refrains from awarding you your Doctorate on Arachnidology until you obtain 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery. All our best wishes in your endeavors.

Should you require any further clarifications on your credit points, I will be available in my office between 12 and 2 peahen*****.

Regards,
Dr. Coconut,
Dean.”

Dear Dr. Coconut, thought Muffet as she lit another cigarette, I found a stick beside your ass, does it belong to you? Perhaps it does, for there is no other sane reason why you want me obtaining 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery for fug’s sake! Two years of research, flinched Muffet, painfully. Two full years of spiders! What would you know Coconut? And “Ethical Reasons”?? Oh Crap, sighed Muffet, taking another deep drag of the fire stick and softly releasing the fumes like a deliberating chimney. She continued staring at the letter, the sepia sun muting her golden locks…

* (end of chapter one) *

Footnote Glossary:

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*In Never Land, years are not numerated. They are named after extinct animal specie.

**The buzz goes that the creator of Unheard University was inspired by the Unseen University for wizards at Ankh Morpork.

***Pied was a true MJ fan!

****A rat wouldn’t do that.
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++ Its not a swear word! Really!

fug /fʌg/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fuhg] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

stale air, esp. the humid, warm, ill-smelling air of a crowded room, kitchen, etc.

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*****Time in Never Land is divided into 24 peahens a day where the first 12 peahens get lit by the sun and the next 12 peahens get periodically lit by elves taking turns to shine torches on a satellite moonette.