Friday, October 5, 2007

Chapter 1 - The Muffet Diaries

It was a perfect summer’s day in the year of the Salamander* . The tepid sun with its sepia tints seemed a complete respite to the inhabitants of Never Land. More so, as the previous summer sun, (in the year of the Dodo) rendered a chequered burn-out, tanning the said inhabitants in zebra stripes. The druids and the witches of Never Land weren’t complaining at all that year. Now who would complain of booming business?

Never Land is a blob in the Universe. It is a land that was never, but is, nevertheless. A land that is fuelled by sunlight and imagination. Imagination, more than sunlight, rendering its inhabitants attributes that may come across as mind-bending to other galactic beings. Never Land’s official demographic publications, called Grehems’s Fairie Tails, and Faybles, profile most of its spectacular denizens. Never Land’s most famous tourist sites include Hamlin, Forest/Woods, and Palace etc. Visitors swear that you can never get enough of this place. So many people, so many lives… and its all in your head! That’s the real beauty of Never Land.

Most of the action in this tale is located in the Unheard University** of Never Land, the Mecca of Never wisdom and the on top of the Poison Ivy League. In fact, the Unheard University is so famous that you don’t have to hear about it.

It was a perfect summer’s day in the Unheard University. The sepia sun tints seemed to render the university Bistro a radiant retro look. Peasant women and pixies, dressed in flouncy frocks that seemed to be seamed from curtains, bustled back and forth tending to the patrons perched on their perfect wooden benches. There was something about this year of the Salamander. Perfection seemed to be whistling in the air.

So thought Pied, the Piper boy from Hamlin, who incidentally came a long way from there. They say everybody has a talent. Pied had found his in kids and rats. The former he thought livelier than the latter***. But you can’t make a living out of kids, can you. It’s usually against the law. Kids were usually meant only to be snoopy and get into trouble with Witches and Wolves. So if Pied had to make a living without running the gauntlet with the law, he had to rely on rats. And rats could be relied upon. They even survived sinking ships. And the Unheard University let him combine his MBA in entrepreneurship with a PHD in Rattus Norvegicus.

What a perfect summer’s day, thought Pied. Would have been more perfect if he could’ve hooked up with that fascinating blonde broad sitting across in that wooden bench. Tsk Tsk! If only she weren’t being so distraught and deeply preponderous of her constant smoke rings****, she’d probably have noticed him. She will, in time. Every body did. And thinking wasn’t quite the blonde thing now, was it? What a pity on a p-e-r-f-e-c-t d-a-y…

Rats! Thought Muffet. Was her life fugged++, was this bistro fugged, or was it just her? She sighed a resigned sigh and took another long drag at her consumed cigarette, slowly releasing the curls with a silent vengeance. She stared hard at the letter on the table. It was a crisp cold letter with a non-descript letterhead, suggestive of the Unheard University, with the shaky Dean’s scratchy signature at the end of it. It said:

“Dear Ms. Little Bigger Miss Muffet,

We regret to inform you that for internal reasons of ethical importance, this University refrains from awarding you your Doctorate on Arachnidology until you obtain 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery. All our best wishes in your endeavors.

Should you require any further clarifications on your credit points, I will be available in my office between 12 and 2 peahen*****.

Regards,
Dr. Coconut,
Dean.”

Dear Dr. Coconut, thought Muffet as she lit another cigarette, I found a stick beside your ass, does it belong to you? Perhaps it does, for there is no other sane reason why you want me obtaining 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery for fug’s sake! Two years of research, flinched Muffet, painfully. Two full years of spiders! What would you know Coconut? And “Ethical Reasons”?? Oh Crap, sighed Muffet, taking another deep drag of the fire stick and softly releasing the fumes like a deliberating chimney. She continued staring at the letter, the sepia sun muting her golden locks…


* (end of chapter one) *



Footnote Glossary:

___________________

*In Never Land, years are not numerated. They are named after extinct animal specie.

**The buzz goes that the creator of Unheard University was inspired by the Unseen University for wizards at Ankh Morpork.

***Pied was a true MJ fan!

****A rat wouldn’t do that.
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++ Its not a swear word! Really!
fug [fuhg] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
stale air, esp. the humid, warm, ill-smelling air of a crowded room, kitchen, etc.

__________________________________________________________________

*****Time in Never Land is divided into 24 peahens a day where the first 12 peahens get lit by the sun and the next 12 peahens get periodically lit by elves taking turns to shine torches on a satellite moonette.



18 comments:

Prats said...

U have a way with the flow and spinning dreams....
loved the
Rattus Norvegicus
Keep it coming, and keep those arachnids at bay :)
I'll be watching out for this space. Teams all set, with the illustrator??

Debashish Goswami said...

Witty, deliberate and intentionally evil minded genius at work here with tongue and hoof firmly in cheek and mouth as well......

A wonderfully inventive and creative look at the wrong side of imagination running wild....

However, a further reading of Tom Sharpe's mindblowing bibliophilic riots (anything really) is necessary as much as of intense polishing and repolishing....

Writing is easy.....editing is HARD and brevity is the soul of wit, but only to the point jabbed at the funny bone....

YOU HAVE TO WRITE NOW....

Adorable Pancreas said...

I liking what I reading. Keep going.

Poison Ivy League. I've always thought of it that way. :)

Oh, and before I forget, fug. You've heard of 'Go fug yourself', haven't you? fashion disasters are called fugly, short for effing ugly. But that's not oxfor dictionary approved. Go right ahead.

Adorable Pancreas said...

I'm typo queen, alright? :)

Joy said...

Amazing post. You do have an art of capturing the audience attention.

" A land that is fuelled by sunlight and imagination. Imagination, more than sunlight,"
How very true.

Keep writing. Looking forward to how the story unravels.

~SuPeRnOvA~ said...

interesting concept but too verbose.As always. Avoid using large words together in sequences that make no sense at all.

Amd you should be good to go. Coz your concept and imagination rocks as alwayyyyzz! :-)

Tys on Ice said...

Man! Stand still while I do my kneeling and bowing before great, tongue in cheek writing...its so damn cool...

prats is rite, this needs illustration...vikram! are u there?

Ziah said...

@Prats - thanks babes! :) Hope chap 2 is to your liking:)

@Debashish - I cant get my hands on Tom sharpe, tho the closest I got to him was Wiki. Erm, Dabboo, can ur geeks help??:)Lol.. Hubbs downloaded School of Rock tho, Lets hope your Jack Black teaches me a thing or two about beats!! Loved Scent of a woman.. u are an interesting "mentor"!!:)

@AP - thanks for dropping by babe!! Poison Ivy is so befitting, aint it?:) 'Go fug yourself' is in the news aint it, with its blogger awards et al? Thats how the word stuck in my head and didnt shake off until Muffet..:) Inspirations..:)

@Joy - thanks a bunch! :) Hope I can keep up the tempo in Chap 2.. shitting bricks thinking about it:)

@Supernova - Okies. Will keeps in minds:)
Forgot to tell ya - Super-Noah Joshi should get her hands on Evan Almighty..:) Apart from Vivek's CG animals (yes yes, the famous croc also) and Morgan Freeman, interesting messages there!:) [Be warned Jo: If you're truly my soul sistah my cowlett, you will get what I'm talkin about and call me gushing in the next 5!];)

@Tys - There you are! I was dying of the suspense of having naught heard from you. Thanks! Glad u likey. Shitting bricks thinking of Chap 2!!:) How was weekend?

Umm, Tys, who's Vikram?? :) LMAO!! You're doing what practically all my family did to "Vivek Ram" on our wedding... but the first time was hilarious.. An aunt called to ask "howz vikram?". Genuinely stumped, I kept asking who is Vikram.. I think there was a mini scandal in my family then.. :) It also turned out that much confusion was casued by my folks who got his name misprinted on the wedding card (as Vivekram minus space)!! Tsk Tsk!:)

Ziah said...

@Prats & Tys! Oh, Viv has promised some illustrations on the story once I'm done.. he has some interesting ideas for Muffet and Pied.. can't wait!:)

Ziah said...

@Prats/Dabz/Joy/AP/Super/Tys/Viv -

Thank you so much for dropping by! No clue what your feedback has done to my confidence.. makes me wanna write mo and mo:) And also has me biting my nails now on how am I gonna finish Chap 2!! Thanks for your support guys!! Means a lot:)

Tys on Ice said...

ok...where is it? come on, the wait is over...bring it on...

Prats said...

Is this a weekly issue? or fortnightly? :-)

Thinking Aloud said...

***And rats could be relied upon. They even survived sinking ships.*** I loved this...The way u play around with words is great...Looking forward to teh next one...mebbe my son could be clamoring for your book in future(a la the harrypotter way)...keep it up!!!

Kavitha said...

"Doctorate on Arachnidology" Sounds like a superb research front....*shudders to think*

Very well written...what an imagination! Its nice to read someone who can pen down their thoughts so well....

Keep going...can't wait for ur next "chapter"

Ziah said...

@Tys, Prats - posted!! :)

@Thinking aloud - Thank you for that ego trip..:) I just finished chap 2, I'd be a tad embarrassed if you're lil boy read it anytime soon:) Right now its meant for the kids in us..:) But its really flattering to be compared to Rowling! If I could write with such finesse, I'd consider myself blessed.

@Kavita - Thank you doc. Do lemme know what you think of Chap 2:)

Thinking Aloud said...

u're right...tho methinks, the way the boys are going on, they could teach me a thing or two:)...keep writing!!!

Sam said...

You have a powerful imagination...Keep going...I quite liked what I read so far...

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