Chapter 3 - The Muffet Diaries

It was a giant room that resembled a giant passage connecting nowhere to nowhere. The only factors to disturb that illusion were a gigantic mahogany table and chair carved by a rather confused carpenter in a creative outburst; a grandfather clock with a vine and a swinging Chimp clasping it for a pendulum; and a sofa, all three placed in linear parallels.

A small, nervous man walked restlessly back and forth from the sofa to the door. A tall, young and fairly relaxed man sat arms outstretched in the sofa. The Chimp watched the two while rocking back and forth on the vine in complete interest. (Interesting things seldom happened in that room.) Every few minutes, to add to the pensiveness, a wind chime would sound and a female voice would go “The offices of Dr. Coconut…”

“Listen young man…” said the small nervous man in what sounded almost like a wheeze. He cleared his throat loudly “When you came to us from Hamlin with an army of mice and an idea you believed in, this University opened its doors to help you seek the knowledge. Needless to say that your progress has been commendable… in fact outstanding! To express our appreciation, we offer you two weeks paid vacation to Hammock with effect the beginning of next month.” The small man momentarily gloated at his coherent delivery.

Pied smiled.

“So I take it, you and your little brown comrades should be checking into your vacation resort in Hammock next month.” The small man managed another smile.

“Did I give you that impression?” Pied asked in amusement, his lips curling into a sly smile.

“W-well, y-you didn’t?” the small man was rather uneasy now. He resumed his back and forth march to ease the nervousness.

Pied seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the moment. “Uncle Coconut! You’ve spent the whole of the last peahen hard-selling me a vacation. You know, you’ve been rather kind in seeing the potential for my masters degree and bringing me under this University’s umbrella in the first place. And the only way I can ever pay back the kindness is by dedicatedly and successfully completing it. I cannot imagine leaving the campus, least of all for a day’s vacation. Two weeks is far too much charity. I absolutely refuse!” He looked intently at Coconut.

“B-but… we absolutely insist my boy. You deserve it! You must go. Please!” Coconut looked troubled.

“Jee! You’re taking this personally. What’s the catch Uncle Coconut? Maybe you should stop living with the burden of the truth?” Pied smiled his charming smile again.

Coconut sighed. “Alright, Pied. The truth you shall know. Unheard University as you know, is untainted in its reputation as a premiere educational institution in Never Land and I have strived all my life to ensure this. What keeps it untainted is its consistent rankings by the educational authorities. The beginning of next month, a battery of health and educational inspectors replete with their Werewolves and shape-shifting Zephyrs will do their rounds here for a fortnight… God Forbid! Should any of your mice be spotted here by one of them, I dread to imagine the consequences on this University. So... (He paused for a deep breath and looked squarely at Pied) I implore you to take your army of pets and vacation. Period.” The colour had completely drained from Coconut’s face. He sat down beside Pied.

The grandfather clock struck twelve peahen. A dozen Peahens flew out noisily announcing the time and the Chimp stepped out of the vine momentarily to offer himself a good scratch. The door suddenly flew open and Muffet stormed into the room announcing, “Oh Dr. Coconut! I just have to speak to you….Uh-oh! I didn’t realize you had company… Um, but I need to speak to you, pronto. Please?”

Coconut sprang to his feet and moved towards Muffet. “God Lord. Miss Little Bigger Muffet! What in the name of the Lord was that? Did my Secretary not tell you I was in a meeting?” Dr. Coconut kept shaking his head apologetically. “Well. Do be seated Miss Muffet.”.

He turned to Pied, whose amusement only seemed to grow. “Mr. Pied, I’m afraid I’m not done with you yet. I had committed 12 peahen to Miss Muffet, though. Perhaps you may oblige me and do wait at the office by my door. I should hopefully only need a few moments with Miss Muffet here”. Pied smiled in acknowledgement, and got up to leave.

(**The Peahens went back into the clock. The Chimp didn’t follow the Peahens to the vine. Instead he stood staring at them, bitten by a strain of curiosity that seemed to be doing the rounds in the air. **)

“Yes Miss Muffet. So what emergency brings you here like this?”

Muffet recovered herself. “Strange you should ask Dr. Coconut, given you cancelled my PHD!” Muffet tried hard to fight back her anger.

“I merely asked to you obtain 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery. Should you work on that, we would be pleased to award you your degree. Any further questions?”

“Yes Dr. Coconut. Lets start with why?”

“Miss Muffet, have you checked Notification No.10897#/12/Salamander?”

“Huh?”

“Notification No.10897#/12/Salamander*, issued by the University last week clearly states that a holder of a Doctor-ate from this University, irrespective of their specialization, must be proficient in certain facets of Never Medicine and basic Spectacular Brewery, if that answers your question.” Coconut glowered at her.

Muffet regained herself. “And what may I ask do spiders have to do with Never Medicine? And what justification does my doctorate offer me if I’m doing Never Medicine or goddamned brewery? This is absolutely irrational and discriminatory and ….” She stopped and sighed an exasperated sigh.

“Has it occurred to you Little Bigger Miss Muffet that should you be given your PHD, you would henceforth be known in Never Land as Dr. Muffet?”

“Yes Dr. Coconut.” She looked at him questioningly.

“Well, you would appreciate that as academicians we also bear great social responsibility. The spirit behind Notification No.10897#/12/Salamander is essentially that anyone in Never Land who should be called a doctor and whose credentials trace their roots to this esteemed University should definitely know a thing or two about Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery. And 24 credits is an appropriate measure for us to accredit a student with his or her doctorate. Period.”

“WHAT? Y-you’re kidding, right?”

“Absolutely not Miss Muffet. That would be entirely inappropriate now.”

“Well! For starters Dr. Coconut, Notification no. whatever is arbitrary, irrational and baseless! I don’t care if you called a PHD a Professorate for heavens sake, but 24 extra credits in irrelevant topics for no rhyme or rational reason, after TWO goddamned years of burning midnight oil is simply preposterous! I’ll SUE the damned University if I have my way…”

“The discussion is closed Miss Muffet. You may leave now. Should you obtain your 24 credits, this University would be pleased to offer you your doctorate. Have a nice day.”

The door barged open. (The Chimps eyes widened.) Pied walked into the room taking long strides. He stopped close enough to smell Muffet’s hair. (For a woman who was thinking spiders 24x7, he thought, her hair did smell pleasantly of candy). He smiled his sly smile. “Dr. Coconut, I’m sorry I overheard that conversation. I know this is none of my business, but in my opinion it seems extremely unfair to my conscience that when one set of students are made to work extremely hard to justify their degrees, other students are offered vacation packages. I am morally obliged to forgo my vacation package in the interest of parity of the student fraternity of our esteemed University.”

Muffet recovered quickly. She looked at Pied, surprised.

“Mr. Pied! You’re overstepping…” Dr. Coconut took a deep breath trying not to look cornered. He cleared his throat. “Mr. Pied, Miss Muffet. As Never Land’s oldest University you must be assured that we exercise great responsibility and diligence in formulating our policies and reward programmes. Any student showing political inclination I assure you is rather wanton.”

Pied knitted his brows together.

Coconut added hurriedly “But Miss Muffet, now that you have raised your issues, I am compelled to reconsider the application of the Notification on present students.”

Muffet looked at Dr. Coconut hopefully. “I’m glad! So I don’t need the unnecessary credits right?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Dr. Coconut! You just said so.” (Damned old bureaucrat, thought Muffet.) The look of annoyance returned to her face.

“Then my stand stays Dr. Coconut.” Pied looked thoroughly amused.

“Why, you’re as much a troublemaker as your subject of study Mr. Pied. We shall address your political issues later. If you will excuse Miss Muffet and me for now…” Coconut looked uncomfortable. He cleared his throat loudly. “Miss Muffet, what I meant was you don’t have to obtain 24 credits, but it is necessary you submit a dissertation on any one key study area of Never Medicine.”

“Why?” The perplexity did not leave her face.

“Because it is in the interest of the greater good and in consonance with the age old principles of this august institution. Period”

Muffet sighed a resigned sigh. “I guess it’s better than 24 credits Dr. Coconut.”

Pied curled his lips into a sly smile. “I’m glad this institution still believes in being considerate. I gladly accept my reward programme sir.”

“I guess that settles things. Now if you both shall please excuse me. I have other business to attend to.” Dr. Coconut looked relieved.

Dr. Coconut settled into the sofa wearily. Muffet glanced at Pied, let her glance linger on him questioningly for a moment, and then turned to leave the room hurriedly. Pied took long deliberate strides, stopped momentarily by the grandfather clock, picked up the still-startled Chimp and put him on the vine, and continued his long deliberate strides out of the room. Outside the sun shone mildly bringing in that warm fuzzy feel of spring…

*** (end of chapter 3) ***

Footnote Glossary:
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*Pronounced as Notification Number 10897 of the 12th part of Salamander

Chapter 2 - The Muffet Diaries

It was a fairly unusual night that year of the Salamander. For years from that night, Astronomers and Shutterbugs would swear that never before was such a spectacular marvel that had ever adorned a night sky! Pretty much every pair of lenses and eyes in Never Land peered curiously at the sky to catch a glimpse of the phenomenon. And there it was, for ten whole peahens, against the backdrop of a cloudless blue-black sky, a white incandescent doughnut shaped moonette!!

While Oracles and soothsayers fought hot battles on the ramification of the doughnut, Werewolves complained sheepishly that the doughnut-moonette hampered with their transformations. (Their centers were still human*!) Elsewhere in Never Land Vampires sashayed about sleep walking dreamily.

But two pairs of eyes that night were certainly not on the doughnut-moonette. One pair belonged to Elijah-the-Elf, who had a fairly atypical day at work. He unprecedentedly fell asleep through the course of it! Call it intentional co-incidence; he was a part of the torch-bearer elves that shone torches on the moonette to light it up. No prizes for guessing here, but our man usually did the centre!

Another pair of eyes was buried deeply in a pile of its own misery in Room No#202 of the Unheard University dorm, oblivious to all but a state of mind. Room No#202 was just another dimly lit room in that dorm. It was as big as a room would be, where if three people pranced around randomly, then the incidences of them bumping into each other would be at the average rate of three times per minute. Before the present occupant moved in, the room was intended to be cozy. Post the occupation, it sported a bed that was slept in too precariously to be made-when-not-in-use, and a table that had a line of spider books, spider tapes and spider pictures scattered in careless disarray, garnished here and there with cigarette trimmings for that tell-tale finishing touch. An old ashtray had long-gone exceeded it capacity. Beside the table was a sturdy chair on which a hunched figure of a woman with golden locks sat huddled up, wondering if the statement of her room was in fact the statement of her life.

The noisy air conditioner kept blowing gusts of chilly air in periodic intervals that severely affected the trail of smoke from Muffet’s fire stick. She took another drag from her consumed cigarette and stared long and hard at the spider-junction that her table was. Hiding in her cloud-of-smoke-that-was-periodically-interrupted-by-the-air-conditioner, she faded into her first memory of a spider. She was all of five, sitting tartly on her favourite tuffet, digging into some delicious curd… and it appeared! The hideous adversary with eight hairy legs and such evil evil eyes. She could still taste the acrid fluid in her tongue called fear. And it appeared again and again to taunt her in different forms. In class, when everyone was made to chant 'itsy-bitsy-spider' in sickening unison, and she would tremble with fear as the words spilled out of her mouth. Oh, how bitter was the taste of fear! And those cruel kids, how they would rag her and pick at her. She winced at the memory of fake spiders put into her little Barbie-pink school bag. She closed her eyes to re-live those years of torment.

The tip of her consumed cigarette indicated a halt sign. She snapped out of the moment and re-lit a fresh one to absorb herself in some new smoke. Her thoughts faded into her mother. A pang of pain stabbed through her young heart. She was born to a part-time Witch! No, not the pointy-hat-scarecrow-dressed, flying-on-the-broom Witch, but a growing-younger, green-tea-drinking, black-bead-collecting Witch (that alleged herself to some funny cult called Witca).

Muffet’s first brush with amazement was at age nine, watching Mother Witch through a slit on her bedroom door. Her childish eyes brimmed with wonder as she saw Mother Witch move her beads and all the little creatures in the house pledge allegiance to her. Muffet’s first brush with betrayal followed soon enough. In fact, it was a rude stab of shock to discover through that voyeur slit, that the entomological group of Mother Witch’s devotees included a fan club of spiders! Oh, those betraying hands, those white gentle peach-creamed hands that held her... and the acrid taste of fear came charging back to her, inducing her to hallucinate ever since of those same gentle white hands strangling her! A shudder ran through her spine at the memory and the next cigarette bit the dust. She quickly re-loaded her flash-back arsenal and dragged absently into its crisp nicotine. She sighed!

With a desperate attempt to stay sane and spider free, Muffet had moved to Gremlin after high school, to pursue a Baccalaureate. It was on the night of the graduation party, precisely after three tequila shots, Little Bigger Miss Muffet spotted a spider by the side table. Perched comfortably but staring blankly at her with its tiny slits-called-eyes was a small brown house-spider, with gossamer slivers for legs. A sudden bolt of shock teamed with a sudden-hit-with-some-chemicals-released-from-the-tequila, caused her to readily faint into the ample arms of Prince Charming!

What followed in the weeks to come was a brief but heady dalliance with the Prince – some steamy kisses and some unforgettable rounds at the hot tub to be rather precise. The dalliance was rudely interrupted and abruptly ended when Muffet came to find out that Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty and pretty much every other babe in the Fairie Tails had been in there, done in that. Like in all love stories, he had said she was the only one! Spiders, large black and ugly trampled all over her wounded heart.

When frustration and insomnia almost drove her insane, and two-packs-a-day was far from affordable, Muffet decided to check out the free therapist for students thrice a week. That didn’t work out, so Muffet decided to take her life in her own hands. What kind of a life is it when one is enslaved to one’s spiders? So thinking, she had stomped into the Unheard University, two years ago, bag and baggage, cigarettes et al, to conquer spiders through her Doctorate in Arachnidology. And conquer she did, atleast enough to figure they weren’t that homicidal after all.

And now this letter! What the fug was an “ethical ground” to detain a doctorate? And ask for 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery? What in the dickens does that have to do with SPIDERS? “Coconut”, she said aloud softly, “whatever this is, you better have a good enough reason for this!”

Somewhere in the middle of her thoughts, two little June Bugs had eloped from the garden into her room and right under her bed. For several minutes, forgetting the steamy purpose of their amorous adventure, the little June Bugs, in standard June Bug curiosity, stared with their tiny beady eyes at Muffet. For those several minutes, they observed softly releasing fumes from a deliberating chimney, periodically contorted. Feeling safe to ensure posterity, they decided to head right back under the bed and indulge in some delicious debauchery from meiotic revelries of the night...

** (end of chapter 2)**

Footnote Glossary:

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*This sprang some concern on Privacy issues as well.

Chapter 1 - The Muffet Diaries

It was a perfect summer’s day in the year of the Salamander* . The tepid sun with its sepia tints seemed a complete respite to the inhabitants of Never Land. More so, as the previous summer sun, (in the year of the Dodo) rendered a chequered burn-out, tanning the said inhabitants in zebra stripes. The druids and the witches of Never Land weren’t complaining at all that year. Now who would complain of booming business?

Never Land is a blob in the Universe. It is a land that was never, but is, nevertheless. A land that is fuelled by sunlight and imagination. Imagination, more than sunlight, rendering its inhabitants attributes that may come across as mind-bending to other galactic beings. Never Land’s official demographic publications, called Grehems’s Fairie Tails, and Faybles, profile most of its spectacular denizens. Never Land’s most famous tourist sites include Hamlin, Forest/Woods, and Palace etc. Visitors swear that you can never get enough of this place. So many people, so many lives… and its all in your head! That’s the real beauty of Never Land.

Most of the action in this tale is located in the Unheard University** of Never Land, the Mecca of Never wisdom and the on top of the Poison Ivy League. In fact, the Unheard University is so famous that you don’t have to hear about it.

It was a perfect summer’s day in the Unheard University. The sepia sun tints seemed to render the university Bistro a radiant retro look. Peasant women and pixies, dressed in flouncy frocks that seemed to be seamed from curtains, bustled back and forth tending to the patrons perched on their perfect wooden benches. There was something about this year of the Salamander. Perfection seemed to be whistling in the air.

So thought Pied, the Piper boy from Hamlin, who incidentally came a long way from there. They say everybody has a talent. Pied had found his in kids and rats. The former he thought livelier than the latter***. But you can’t make a living out of kids, can you. It’s usually against the law. Kids were usually meant only to be snoopy and get into trouble with Witches and Wolves. So if Pied had to make a living without running the gauntlet with the law, he had to rely on rats. And rats could be relied upon. They even survived sinking ships. And the Unheard University let him combine his MBA in entrepreneurship with a PHD in Rattus Norvegicus.

What a perfect summer’s day, thought Pied. Would have been more perfect if he could’ve hooked up with that fascinating blonde broad sitting across in that wooden bench. Tsk Tsk! If only she weren’t being so distraught and deeply preponderous of her constant smoke rings****, she’d probably have noticed him. She will, in time. Every body did. And thinking wasn’t quite the blonde thing now, was it? What a pity on a p-e-r-f-e-c-t d-a-y…

Rats! Thought Muffet. Was her life fugged++, was this bistro fugged, or was it just her? She sighed a resigned sigh and took another long drag at her consumed cigarette, slowly releasing the curls with a silent vengeance. She stared hard at the letter on the table. It was a crisp cold letter with a non-descript letterhead, suggestive of the Unheard University, with the shaky Dean’s scratchy signature at the end of it. It said:

“Dear Ms. Little Bigger Miss Muffet,

We regret to inform you that for internal reasons of ethical importance, this University refrains from awarding you your Doctorate on Arachnidology until you obtain 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery. All our best wishes in your endeavors.

Should you require any further clarifications on your credit points, I will be available in my office between 12 and 2 peahen*****.

Regards,
Dr. Coconut,
Dean.”

Dear Dr. Coconut, thought Muffet as she lit another cigarette, I found a stick beside your ass, does it belong to you? Perhaps it does, for there is no other sane reason why you want me obtaining 24 extra credits in Never Medicine and Spectacular Brewery for fug’s sake! Two years of research, flinched Muffet, painfully. Two full years of spiders! What would you know Coconut? And “Ethical Reasons”?? Oh Crap, sighed Muffet, taking another deep drag of the fire stick and softly releasing the fumes like a deliberating chimney. She continued staring at the letter, the sepia sun muting her golden locks…

* (end of chapter one) *

Footnote Glossary:

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*In Never Land, years are not numerated. They are named after extinct animal specie.

**The buzz goes that the creator of Unheard University was inspired by the Unseen University for wizards at Ankh Morpork.

***Pied was a true MJ fan!

****A rat wouldn’t do that.
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++ Its not a swear word! Really!

fug /fʌg/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[fuhg] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation

–noun

stale air, esp. the humid, warm, ill-smelling air of a crowded room, kitchen, etc.

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*****Time in Never Land is divided into 24 peahens a day where the first 12 peahens get lit by the sun and the next 12 peahens get periodically lit by elves taking turns to shine torches on a satellite moonette.

Telling Tall Tales.. WIP

I'm upto something.. something write... :)

Its WIP.. so I'll leave you with my favourite duo till then... :)




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